DnA Diaries 2 ~ Loneliness

Early June, things were starting to get a lot worse. My temperament, emotions and stress were very high. Also, I started to have a lot of weird experiences.

Journal Entry 1.6.14 ~

Honestly, I’m in a weird head space at the moment. I’m not sure. I know what I’m meant to do. My confidence – which normally I have in abundance – is gone. Right now, I feel a little bit lost. I’m manifesting signs of stress. Massive headaches, shoulder and neck pains, TMJ, clicking jaw.

I didn’t even go to ch with everyone because i’m in pain and really feel like I need some time to myself.

I think yesterday, after going to a friend’s farewell concert (she’s a musician), it was so nice to see the lives she has blessed and the legacy she will leave behind here.

I was so touched to see how she has used her skill and talent as a musician to inspire so many to do the same.

Really got me thinking about how I could be doing the same. I honestly don’t know what I’m called to do. What is my ‘talent’?

I was starting to show lots of physical symptoms (after over a week of being back in China), exhaustion avoiding social situations, and feeling really low in confidence and ability. Doubting myself all the time.

More from that same journal entry…

Journal Entry 1.6.14 ~

I’m just so tired of worrying about everyone else.

Tired of being the one people go to. Just so, so tired of EXPECTATIONS.

…..

I’m going through this yo-yo of emotions and need to stop feeling depressed and down.

These types of entries in my journal kept going through the start of June, even though I was still having devo’s, and not feeling like Father had left me, but that I was not sure what was going on with my emotions.

And then, it got really bad… I didn’t realise how bad, until I re-read a lot of this today.

Journal Entry 18.6.14 ~

So I can’t sleep and had a pretty bad melt down (emotional eruption of tears, upset, frustration, anger). It’s 5.45am and I left our room and bed to camp outside in the living room on the couch. I’m stressed. I know it, and it’s actually been building up for awhile.

Most of it I know is related to work. I really, really want to quit. It’s actually causing too much mental and emotional (and probably spiritual) stress. I should never have accepted it in the first place.

I’ve been experiencing pretty bad headaches and tension in my shoulder, neck and head on the right side, since coming back to China.

I’m not in the mood to meet people or socialize. I’ve also noticed that I don’t want to go to social events and would prefer to not be at them. This is a terrible predicament to be in.

I’m pretty responsible and I have my own set of expectations on myself when it comes to work ethic and standard.

I was feeling like I couldn’t meet the organisation’s expectations of the role I was in. I was feeling like it was quite disorganised, had too flexible a structure and was generally just causing a lot of stress due to the ‘anytime on-call’ nature of the role. I’m an organised person and I felt really disorganised and that I was becoming far too unreasonable. Which is weird as I’m normally quite flexible and reasonable.

More from same entry:

Journal Entry 18.6.14 ~

I do not feel that I understand where I fit in personally with the organisation’s vision and where the ST role fits into that vision.

My supervisor has left China for the US and will be gone for summer – and I feel like I’ve been left with a huge mess.

I HATE ADMIN!!!

Don’t really feel like I have anyone to talk to right now – I feel like my mentor is too busy with the kids. I don’t want to bother her.

The whole issue with ___ (an issue I was dealing with in the role that had to do with some people’s poor relationships) has really caused me to be quite discouraged.

My burden for my friend’s going through marriage issues has not been lifted and may never be.

I have tried to be ‘positive’ and ‘know’ that Father has my back and has gone before me, but I don’t feel like it is the truth.

I feel like I’m all alone. I don’t even have my husband to support me. I feel like he values a ‘face’ front with people in the organisation – co-workers  – and sees me as ‘ruining’ or ‘messing up’ his work environment – even though all this may not be true – it’s how I feel.

This part made me really sad (to read over). And was very not true, but you can see how I was on a downward spiral of negative emotions and thoughts. I really felt unsupported and pretty much alone. Hearing things like ‘I don’t know why you’re feeling stressed’ or ‘Why do you get stressed so easily?’ when trying to tell a person how you feel in relation to an incident, really does not help someone who is going through this. It really only alienates them or makes them resent you. Even if you don’t know what to say or how to deal with a person who is exhibiting these emotions, or know what to do in that situation. It’s better to say nothing at all.

And it ends off like this… with me falling asleep finally, on the couch.

Journal Entry 18.6.14 ~ 

Father, I want to see you in all this, I do. But right now, How? How do I overcome this? I need You more than ever.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone how I feel. Everyone is associated with everyone else. I’m alone….