At this point, I was quite down and was feeling very alienated. Mostly my own doing, but not a good place to be. It was a time when I really needed people to support me, but I was subconsciously removing myself from their presence.
Strangely, during the time where I felt Father would have been the furthest from me, I felt like He was closer than ever. I will include some devos I had during my journal entries to show that I was still getting encouragement and comfort from His Word.
Journal Entry 19.6.14
Devo: Mark 5 : 42 – 43
I am so exhausted! Yesterday was a really tough day. I went into work and tried to be positive. Hubby really helped me out alot. A colleague was so loving and kind. She really helped me out with the stress I was under. So, puffy eyed, I still soldiered on. I’m so grateful for the support and help. I know I need to stop being so stressed, but just really don’t know how to.
Reading this story of Jarius’ daughter, I’m reminded that my Father really cares for me. He will not give up on me even when it may feel like the world has.
Will be going into work today. I’m grateful for it. Yes, I need to make my desk look and feel less sterile. And I need a new attitude. I just need His strength and provision that all will be OK.
The last part, the fact that I felt that something like changing my work environment to be more comfortable, and to change my own attitude would help. But, unfortunately, they didn’t. And I think each time, I really thought the solutions, either sp or physical, would really help. First time in my life where I felt really stumped. That almost nothing I tried worked.
A few days later, I think I came to the realisation that something abnormal was going on with me. That I shouldn’t be feeling his anxious or down for this long. And it was such a huge turning point.
Journal Entry 21.6.14
Today’s reading was about how Father provided manna for the Israelites. So convenient, yet it still required work on their behalf.
A reminder that sp growth still requires work.
I’ve actually had a really shocking week. I’m feeling very much overwhelmed about being ST coordinator for the organisation. I also feel like I’d like to improve their systems and how things are done.
I think I will be emailing my supervisor this week about this role and how I feel.
I think much of the stress will be worked off if i can get help on the setting up meetings end (sometimes my role required me to set up meetings for people coming to visit – many times, multiple meetings with people I’ve never met or spoken to). That causes a great deal of stress for me and I struggled as I did not have many of the contacts. Language barrier as well.
I’m in a real exhausted state and really can’t do much better.
I feel much of the perceived stress is from the leadership. But, I think I need to be more bold and assertive.
I understood that being bold and assertive would not help, as it was only a small part of a larger problem. The way the role is set up, there are things that are unsaid. Too many unsaid expectations that are unclear to a new-comer, like myself.