So, I’d reached a point where I realised something was not quite right, and it was time to do something about it. Still took so much for me to do this. I’m a high achiever, a person used to being ‘capable’. Admitting this was not easy, and still isn’t easy. But it gets easier.
Some passages that encouraged me during this time are down below. As always, so timely. Even though they never boast to have answers to my questions, I felt as if they were there – speaking to just me, in just that way.
Journal Entry ~ 24.6.14
Devo: Acts 25 : 23, 26 : 1 – 30
This passage speaks about this lady Bernice and her husband Agrippa. They were visiting Felix and Paul was under trial. During Paul’s testimony, he still tried to preach the Gspl to them via his own witness. Bernice listened, but as her husband rejected the good news, she just followed him. There was no personal response on her part. She just did what was easy and will never be mentioned again in the Bble.
It’s a lesson and reminder to not assume my husbands’ identity as my own. That I too know where I fit in. I too have to make my own response.
Yesterday, I again had an emotional meltdown whilst talking to one of the leaders in the office. All about work, etc. I’ve already done a few things to help my current situation.
- I’ve emailed my leaders, about how i’m feeling towards work and my role.
- I’ve looked into a local counselling service and am waiting to hear back from them.
- I’m talking more about all of it to make sure I’m not internalising it, especially with hubby.
Hopefully, slowly getting to a point of understanding.
And slowly, I saw that Father was teaching me to hold onto His promises. Yes, that He is right there, waiting for me to notice Him. That I was not alone.
Journal Entry ~ 26.6.14
Devo: Numbers: 5 : 11
Coheirs with Chr1st. It was a real comfort to receive this word and encouragement today. I think sometimes, even in our current ‘modern’ society, we are not seen, as women, to be completely equal with men. Maybe, for certain things, we never will be.
But I think for me, I’m really grateful that Father wants us to take part of the Son’s inheritance. We too are coheirs.
It’s really encouraging that these 5 daughters in the passage spoke up and asked for what inheritance was owed them. I’m surprised that they did. But, because of their courage, they were able to claim what was rightfully theirs, and part of the Father’s promised land.
I think it’s an important reminder to me, especially now, that I need to do the same. Claim His promises.
I’m still confused about my role and position in China, but I know Father will reveal things more clearly, the more I seek Him and His direction for my life.
At this point, we were definitely at the point where we were seeking help.
Journal Entry ~ 30.6.14
On Sunday, the time at the service was a really wonderful time as the speaker talked about LONELINESS.
It was actually a very timely message for hubby and I. A reminder to have an outlet and also to remember in the times of depression or loneliness, Father never leaves. He is there, and not always does he bring you out of it straightaway.
Anyway, at the moment, I’m still feeling emotional. I don’t feel like hubby really knows what to do either. I fear he actually is feeling smothered. Part of it scares me as I know that feeling smothered will only push him further away. I’ve expressed to hubby that that’s how I feel about it. Anyway, we’ve been referred to a counselling service in Chiang Mai. They have believing workers and is for people who are struggling with life as an m in Asia.
See where this leads us.
This is the point where the organisation were supportive and took the ST role off my hands and I was able to go to get counselling help overseas without worrying about the responsibilities.