DnA Diaries 5 ~ Clarity

So we were on a plane as soon as possible to Chiang Mai. My first time there. It was a cute little place. More like a large town than a city.

We were set up for 10 sessions all up, one a day, every weekday. This counselling place is based on donations, which is amazing. So blessed to have such a wonderful resource for people.

Journal Entry ~ 7.7.14

Devo: Jeremiah 6: 13-20

This passage speaks about greed and not giving Father your heart. People not listening to the true prophets, but instead, choosing false ones. In the final verse, v.20, it mentions that the ‘burnt offerings are not acceptable’. After the preparation, cost and time people put into something that should be sacrificed to Father, to find out that the sacrifice is not pleasing to Him. What a waste.

The attitude of a person’s heart and the way we live out our lives matters to Father more than things we do out of habit, or for appearances.

This is especially important for me now as I feel that a lot of what I’m doing in the ST role, aside from desiring to serve Him, is for face value. Why I accepted the role had a lot to do with how I would appear to others – at the organisation and in Melbourne. To fill a need, I am an able body, with able hands. This upsets me as I never thought I would need to worry about how I would appear to others. To do things based on what other people expect of me – when the Father himself so clearly wanted me to know that being obedient to His will (which we already were, in being in China) really should have been enough. Maybe my desire to help others and not being merely content with where and how He had put me where I was got me into my current predicament.

So, here I am in Chiang Mai. And it all started from an email (that I was non too excited about sending) that has brought us here. This email outlined my stress, anxiety and depressed feelings. I’m glad that the organisation’s leaders felt immediate action was required and strongly encouraged me to get help. They also helped me put down the ST role at the organisation for now. 

It’s been tough, as it is the busiest time of the year and I feel really responsible for my role.

But, right now, I feel so grateful to be here, in Chiang Mai, seeking help. I’m looking forward to finding some answers and getting on my way to recovery. We will be attending the first session later today. I do look forward to it. But, not sure what to expect. I’m glad hubby is with me and is also looking for ways to help support me and understand things better too.

I don’t know what I expected in the first session with a psychiatrist. And, yes, even after studying psychology in high school, I still pictured a dark room with a lounge-type couch which I would have to lay on. An old woman wearing glasses and a clip board, furiously writing down all I said (or not!).

I was only partially right, the bit about the glasses. LOL.

Journal Entry ~ 8.7.14

Yesterday at the counselling session, I was really not too sure what to expect. I saw Dr and his two interns. They asked us questions and listened. Hubby was in this session with me. He wasn’t sure if he’d be in all sessions, or just some of them. With me having a few on my own. Dr concluded that based on my symptoms (from the questions asked in the session and the client information I provided prior to going to Chiang Mai), I have depression and anxiety. And that they both spur the other on – as to which is causing which.

I got a bit teary and emotional at that as it was such a relief to hear someone say what I had. I just hated not knowing what was going on, and it gave me so much clarity and relief. Now, it’s about how to combat and manage it all.

The session has prompted hubby and I to really talk things through. Not that we weren’t but that we needed to do it consciously and effectively. I think especially for hubby, he is very uncertain in how things can be handled in my situation. I don’t think he realised just how serious this was in the beginning. I do get the feeling that he wants some ‘quick fix’ solutions. Which I’m not sure how to handle, but I’m looking forward to some improvements in our communication.

I’m relieved to see that Hubby has been very supportive in ways that he knows how, and really becoming more comfortable with counselling. I’m feeling very blessed and need to think of a way to let him know how blessed I am by his efforts.

Continual pr@yer is required and I know the road to full recovery will be tough.